Chapter one 12/12/2010
 
See the nsp1c1m2 file, that is chapter one. Enjoy!

EDIT: I went back through and fixed some initial problems. I will go back through and do character development later today, and publish it at about three-ish (GMT -5). Oh, and Kudos to you if you get the reference.

EDIT2: Added a nice little character development paragraph. I wasn't really sure of anything else I could do, so I
 


Comments

Sun, 12 Dec 2010 1:40:20 pm

Okay, I just read through, you use some very nice imagery and did a great job portraying the world. I didn't really find out that much about Red, he seems a little emotionless beyond. "Oh jeez, I like Professer Oak and Pokemon". This is the first chapter though, but consider giving Red some other hobbies or interests, which you could use as symbolism later in the story. I like the exclusion of Squirtle, it creates a much more intimate feel. You use lots of adjectives in places where it makes the sentence structure akward. The very first sentence "I stood there for a moment." Could be made "I stood for a moment." Speaking of the first sentence, it didn't grab my interest at all, you really need more dynamic into.

Anyways, I still did enjoy this, and can't wait to see more. Cheers and Good Luck!

P.S. (I'd be happy to lend a hand with proofreading/powerediting if you'd like)

 



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